In Defense of Defensive Dating

This is an article about a practice that Mama Gena calls Defensive Dating. The author of this article calls it Dating Roulette. Personally, I like to think of it as Dating Lottery or Dating Raffle. The more you play, the better your odds of hitting the jackpot. I've been doing a lot of this in New York. You know what? It's pretty darn fun.


Dating Roulette
By Lisa Daily

I'm a firm believer in the concept that a person who is not in a
mutually monogamous, committed relationship should always be dating
three people at a time -- what I like to call "The Pair and The
Spare."


The typical male response: No problem!
The typical female response: Oh, I couldn't!! Isn't that cheating?
What men have known for ages and women are just picking up is that
no, it's not cheating if you're not actually in a relationship. In
my estimation, until you have that official awkward conversation
where you agree not to see other people, everybody is officially
still on the market. (Or as they like to say in the real estate
business when a house has an offer but the deal isn't signed,
it's "BN" for back-ups needed.)
Most women will date a man, or a few men until they meet someone
they like, and then they immediately stop dating the other men. Now
that they've given up their other guys, they focus all their energy
and attention on the one guy they like. Will he call? Will he ask me
out on Saturday night? Should I hyphenate my name after we get
married?

Pretty soon, the guy freaks out under the white-hot intensity of all
her attention and dreams. And he bolts. And now, she is not dating
the guy she really likes, but she's also not dating anybody else,
either. The solution? Dating Roulette.

If what you're looking for is a committed, serious, relationship,
why in the world would you date more than one person at a time?

First, dating roulette keeps you from focusing too much attention on
a relationship that isn't yet a relationship. (Technically, a few
dates does not a relationship make…)

Second, dating three people at a time keeps your schedule pretty
full.

Third, you get to date three different people at a time, without
worrying if one of them is the one.

Maybe date number two loves to take you to see hip bands that number
three has never even heard of. Maybe date number three gives great
foot massages, but doesn't share your interest in museums. No
matter! The three of them combined will have no trouble satisfying
all your dating needs. (Sort of a Frankendate!) You will be having a
ball because you always have a date on Friday nights (and probably
Tuesday nights, too), and having most of your social needs met
without feeling like you need to mold one of your suitors into the
perfect person for you.

Black-tie Tuesdays and Casual Fridays
Okay, so there are three critical issues to consider when you're
dating more than one person at a time:

First, do you tell everybody you're dating about everybody you're
dating. The answer? Only if they ask. You certainly don't want to
lie (and there's no reason to) but you probably don't want to
volunteer the information and hurt someone's feelings.

Second, is it okay to have sex with someone when you're dating more
than one person? In my opinion, no. Why? Let's skip right over the
nine-page essay I could write about the potential spread of disease
and go directly to reason number two: Because once you have sex with
someone the relationship is no longer casual. It's a lot more likely
someone has committed some emotion, and either you'll get your
feelings hurt, or hurt someone else's feelings.

Last, (and this is probably a ladies-only dilemma, except for a few
select gentlemen residing in New York and L.A.) how do you remember
what you've worn on each date, with whom? Well, I once heard that
former First Lady Nancy Reagan kept little index cards attached to
each outfit in her closet, noting the date and occasion when she'd
worn the item. Sure, you'll probably feel like you're channeling
Desperate Housewives' Martha-on-crack character Bree Van De Kamp,
but it just might work.

Three is a magic number
You may wonder, why date three people at a time, and not two or
four? Three seems to be the magic number. Two doesn't really keep
you busy enough or offer enough variety. As for four, well that
doesn't feel so much like dating as it does crowd control. An
ambitious dater may be able to successfully handle four at a time,
but eventually we all have to dedicate a little time to those
crucial tasks like work, REM sleep, and waxing unsightly body hair.

Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!